WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama called on Congress to
quickly pass a new fiscal stimulus package that would provide nearly $100,000
trazillion gaquillion frijillion in an effort to revive the U.S. economy,
which some experts believe has entered a recession.
"Every economist I've ever heard of agrees what we need now is
significantly more government investment to offset the negative effects of
whatever it is that is happening," Obama said at his Monday press
conference. "Accordingly, I and my team of advisors have developed a
comprehensive plan that will shore up our financial institutions, put jobless
Americans back to work, allow everyone in a house to keep it no matter what,
rescue any failing bank or business, provide a hot meal to anyone who is
hungry, improve the well being of all citizens, and give a puppy or kitten to
every child who wants one.
"But Congress must put ideology aside and act now in a bipartisan
manner before some other even worse stuff happens," he added, wiggling
the fingers on both his hands to indicate "scary."
Details of the plan were presented by Lawrence Summers, Obama's top
economic advisor and one of the plan's key architects. Using a colorful chart
with squiggly lines, Summers estimated that 845 jiggashillion new jobs would
be created in the plan's first year, with another 491 dubbadillion to follow
over the next four years.
"Every American will be able to work two, three, four –
heck, 10 or 20 jobs if he or she wants to," said Summers. "And the
best part is the income taxes generated from all these new jobs will actually
pay for the plan."
Obama emphasized that not only will all the new spending not impose
any additional burdens on the middle class, the plan actually targets tax
cuts toward politically favored constituencies and whomever else it seems
most expedient to target.
"The American people have spoken," said Obama. "They
demand change, and I promise that I and every one of my former Clinton
administration appointees will work hard to deliver that change." He
also said something about hope and sacrifice and believing.
Other highlights of the plan include:
- $43 nurpillion for job training
- $89 bibblydefrillion for community
frappakrillion for infrastructure and public works
hominavillion for health care and education
- $986 giggitysquillion for Goldman
Some prominent voices have criticized the plan, however. "It's a
good start, but the president doesn't go nearly far enough," Nobel
laureate Paul Krugman, Nobel-winning winner of the Nobel Prize in economics
wrote today in his New York Times column. "We're talking about
the need for another $344 grillion chillion beebopaloobillion, at the very
least, to get this economy moving again. Also, tax cuts for anybody:
Congressional reaction was mixed, as House speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA)
vowed to pass the stimulus package "even if I have to go around and push
the 'yes' button for every member of this chamber myself, and don't think I
won't" while some senators cautioned that more debate may be needed.
"A schlopparazillion here, a dreedilyhillion there, and pretty
soon we're talking about real money," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch
But Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) was optimistic about the bill's
passage, noting that the Senate has already adopted legislation increasing the
national debt ceiling to $4,000
When asked what safeguards would be put in place to ensure that none
of the unprecedented $100,000 trazillion gaquillion frijillion was lost to
waste, fraud, and abuse, Obama pointed behind the press corps, said "Oh
my GOD! LOOK!" then quickly exited the room.