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WASHINGTON
– President-Elect Barack Obama called on Congress to quickly pass a new
fiscal stimulus package that would provide nearly $100,000 trazillion
gaquillion frijillion in an effort to revive the U.S. economy, which some
experts believe has entered a recession.
"Every
economist I've ever heard of agrees what we need now is significantly more
government investment to offset the negative effects of whatever it is that
is happening," Obama said at his Monday press conference.
"Accordingly, I and my team of advisors have developed a comprehensive
plan that will shore up our financial institutions, put jobless Americans
back to work, allow everyone in a house to keep it no matter what, rescue any
failing bank or business, provide a hot meal to anyone who is hungry, improve
the well being of all citizens, and give a puppy or kitten to every child who
wants one.
"But
Congress must put ideology aside and act now in a bipartisan manner before
some other even worse stuff happens," he added, wiggling the fingers on
both his hands to indicate "scary."
Details
of the plan were presented by Lawrence Summers, Obama's top economic advisor
and one of the plan's key architects. Using a colorful chart with squiggly
lines, Summers estimated that 845 jiggashillion new jobs would be created in
the plan's first year, with another 491 dubbadillion to follow over the next
four years.
"Every
American will be able to work two, three, four – heck, 10 or 20 jobs if
he or she wants to," said Summers. "And the best part is the income
taxes generated from all these new jobs will actually pay for the plan."
Obama
emphasized that not only will all the new spending not impose any additional
burdens on the middle class, the plan actually targets tax cuts toward
politically favored constituencies and whomever else it seems most expedient
to target.
"The
American people have spoken," said Obama. "They demand change, and
I promise that I and every one of my former Clinton administration appointees
will work hard to deliver that change." He also said something about
hope and sacrifice and believing.
Other
highlights of the plan include:
- $43 nurpillion
for job training
- $89
bibblydefrillion for community reinvestment
- $505
frappakrillion for infrastructure and public works
- $732
hominavillion for health care and education
- $986
giggitysquillion for Goldman Sachs
Some
prominent voices have criticized the plan, however. "It's a good start,
but the president-elect doesn't go nearly far enough," Nobel laureate
Paul Krugman, Nobel-winning winner of the Nobel Prize in economics wrote
today in his New York Times column. "We're talking about the need
for another $344 grillion chillion beebopaloobillion, at the very least, to
get this economy moving again. Also, tax cuts for anybody: Ick."
Congressional
reaction was mixed, as House speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) vowed to pass the
stimulus package "even if I have to go around and push the 'yes' button
for every member of this chamber myself, and don't think I won't" while
some senators cautioned that more debate may be needed.
"A
schlopparazillion here, a dreedilyhillion there, and pretty soon we're
talking about real money," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell
(R-KY).
But
Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) was optimistic about the bill's passage,
noting that the Senate has already adopted legislation increasing the
national debt ceiling to $4,000
pigglywigglyjibbityjabbityfrippityfroppitybadaboomillion.
When
asked what safeguards would be put in place to ensure that none of the
unprecedented $100,000 trazillion gaquillion frijillion was lost to waste,
fraud, and abuse, Obama pointed behind the press corps, said "Oh my GOD!
LOOK!" then quickly exited the room.
David
Bardallis
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