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A SENIOR MOMENT - An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to
her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in
The Times and this newspaper thanks him most sincerely.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque
with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last
month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his
presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account
of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of
course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which,
I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be
commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting
my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your
bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me
to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From
now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My
mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order
that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must
be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must
quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits
but, again, I have modelled it on the number of
button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank
service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons
as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is
required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this
may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of
this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less
prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
Addendum from The Editor:
IMPORTANT to REMEMBER that this letter was written by a 98 year old
woman…
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