1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk
beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless
you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like
everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or
dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a
mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away
and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not
for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach
him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person
again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember
anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most
of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with
women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much
when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on
our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.
